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literen2012-03-10 09:23 pm
renrenren3) wrote in literen2012-03-10 09:23 pm
Entry tags:
HP crack
Settima settimana del COW-T2 @ ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
maridichallenge. A questo punto rinuncio a ogni pretesa di coerenza e per il prompt "fate il cazzo che vi pare" io scrivo crack. Ma neanche crack buono.
Harry/Draco (maybe), PG, Drumming song, 433w
Draco Malfoy woke up with a pounding in his ears. At first he thought he had been dreaming, but when he lifted his head from the pillow the noise only grew louder and louder. Draco dressed quickly, cutting his usual morning routine short. It pained him to leave the dorms without brushing his hair two hundred times and without applying his favourite face cream made from sparkles and Weasley tears, but the drumming had grown so loud that it made everything vibrate.
The Slytherin common room was deserted, as if the noise had chased all the students away. The corridors were empty too. Out of the dungeons the noise grew louder and louder with each step. However, Draco wasn't going to be scared so easily, and besides he needed to find some house elves to darn his socks, because he couldn't be seen in public with ratty socks, what would his mother think if she knew his son was forced to wear socks with holes in them just because Gladrags sold sub-par underwear and Hogsmeade employed unreliable elves.
Finally, Draco pushed the doors of the castle open and found the source of the noise. A huge stage had been set on the lawn in front of the castle. The place was crowded with students and faculty members, and all of them were dancing to what Draco could only suppose was music, even though it sounded like nothing human.
"What's this?" Draco asked, grabbing Harry Potter who was just passing by, moving as though he was having a seizure. He had to yell just to be heard.
"Hogsmeade weekend," Harry shouted back. "The Headmaster has decided to hire a Muggle band. Cool, isn't it?"
"Stupid Muggles," he complained. "What happened to you?"
"Nothing," Harry replied. "I'm dancing! Come and join me."
Draco gave the Boy Who Lived To Dance Very Badly a look that could have frozen an icicle. "Not a chance in hell, Potter.
However, since his life sucked and the universe wanted nothing better than to mock Draco's pain, Harry Potter grabbed him and forced him to dance along to a tune that seemed to be made by people repeatedly hitting two rocks together.
"Unhand me!" Draco complained. "This is ridiculous, this isn't dancing. If it was proper music there would have been violins and people would be dressed properly."
Harry shrugged and went to dance, or rather step around without no regard to rhythm or music, with someone else.
Draco stormed off to the common room and put silencing charms everywhere and then wrote a letter to his father and asked him to ban all music aside from classical music from Hogwarts.
Draco, Harry, Luna, Hermione, Fred, George, PG, Mac and cheese, 345w
One day, Draco Malfoy walked into the Great Hall to have breakfast, took a bite of toast with marmalade and declared that he wanted to eat macaroni and cheese. There was no macaroni and cheese to be had at Hogwarts for breakfast, or ever, because the house elves were very English and only served proper English food like pudding and blood sausages and whatever passes for proper food in England. So Draco jumped on the table and started chanting "Mac and cheese! Mac and cheese!"
Soon, many other students joined him, until the walls were vibrating at the rhythm of "MAC AND CHEESE! MAC AND CHEESE! MAC AND CHEESE!"
Harry was only then getting down to breakfast because last night he had quidditch practice and he had woken up late, so he didn't understand what was going on. "What's happening?" he asked Luna, who was one of the few people still acting normally, or at least more normally than the crazy people who were chanting and jumping on the tables.
"I don't know," Luna said with her usual dreamy expression. "But I think the nargles are behind it."
"More like Fred and George are behind it," Hermione said, shaking her head.
So Harry and Luna and Hermione went to investigate, and sure enough they found the redhead twins in a corner, laughing and taking notes.
"What did you do this time?" Hermione asked the twins.
Fred and George grinned and held up a piece of toast. "Tantrum Toast," George said.
"Just a bite, and your friends will start obsessing over a random item, and won't stop until they get what they want."
"That's terrible!" Hermione exclaimed. "Don't you have an antidote?"
"Yeah, maybe," George said. "We're still testing this."
"It's not terrible," Harry said. "It's entertaining. Plus, look," he said, pointing towards the teacher's table, where Snape and McGonagall had joined Dumbledore and were beating their spoons on the table, chanting for mac and cheese. "I think this means classes will be cancelled!"
However, the house elves made mac and cheese for everyone, so people went back to normal and classes weren't cancelled, much to Hermione's delight.
Harry/Draco (if you squint), PG, Dare, 319w
One day, the Weasley Twins smuggled some firewhiskey into the dormitories and threw a huge party. Word spread through Hogwarts, and soon people from all houses showed up, attracted by the promise of free alcohol and drunken shenanigans.
Draco Malfoy didn't want to go, but everyone else was going and he was curious to know what the Gryffindors were up to in their spare time. Undignified stuff like climbing on the furniture, he guessed. His guess was right, but by the time Harry and Ginny started dancing on a table, he was too drunk to care.
The twins organized a huge game of truth or dare, and somehow Draco found himself playing. When it was his turn, Harry (who had fallen down from the table and had been forbidden by Hermione from trying again) dared Draco to live for a month like a Muggle.
"That's undignified!" exclaimed Draco. "I'm not going to do that."
"Then you lose," stated Harry. Everyone was looking at Draco very seriously, or at least as seriously as one can look while very drunk on firewhiskey, and Draco hated losing, even if it was just a stupid game of truth or dare.
"Fine," he said. "I'll do it. It can't be too hard not to use magic, anyway, Muggles do it all of the time."
Then he dared Potter to take off his pants and run around the room clucking like a chicken, which Potter did.
It was a pretty good night, even though he couldn't use Accio to summon more bottles of butterbeer when he'd emptied them, and he had to walk to the table instead, which was a bother. But doing Summoning Spells while drunk ended with him smashing the item into his own face anyway, so it wasn't a big loss.
When he woke up the next day with the worst hangover ever, Draco decided that dares undertaken while drunk weren't legally binding, and he kept using his magic anyway.
Snape/Lockhart (don't ask), PG, Bodyswap, 408w
They were out of pumpkin juice. This was unacceptable. Snape stared at the empty pitcher and wondered what Hogwarts had come to, if the house elves weren't even able to refill the pumpkin juice.
"Oh, we're out of pumpkin juice!" Lockhart exclaimed, because he was an idiot and he liked to state the obvious. Snape ignored him, which was useless since Lockhart just lover to hear the sound of his own voice. "This is a problem, I can't go and teach without pumpkin juice," Lockhart said, to nobody in particular. "Let me refill that!"
He pointed his wand towards the empty pitcher and mumbled some spell that Snape didn't recognize. There was a pop and a smell like burnt bacon and wet dog, and then suddenly Snape was sitting and staring at himself.
"Good lord!" Snape heard himself exclaim. He saw himself raise his hands and look at them curiously, then look at himself in the pitcher. "I've turned ugly. This is a catastrophe!"
Snape looked at himself too, and realized that he'd turned into Gilderoy Lockhart. He swore under his breath, then he grabbed the other man's arm (his own arm) and dragged him out of the Great Hall before anyone could notice that something was amiss.
"You brainless moron, what did you do?" he hissed.
Lockhart was busy trying to fix his (now black and oily) hair and barely paid him any attention. "When's the last time you washed your hair?" he said. "This is a tragedy, look at all those split ends!"
"Don't make me ask again," Snape said through gritted teeth. "Which spell did you just use?"
"A spell to refill the pumpkin juice," Lockhart replied, absent-mindedly.
"Of course, and the fact that I'm now stuck inside your body is just a minor side-effect," Snape snapped. "Undo the spell, right now!"
"Sure. Er." Lockhart fumbled with his clothes. "Say, where do you keep your wand?"
"Stop groping my body!" Snape exclaimed. He shoved one hand in the pocket of Lockhart's cloak and retrieved his own wand. "Here."
Lockhart waved the wand about and mumbled something, but nothing at all happened.
Snape was already steeling himself at the idea of spending his life trapped in that moron's body, when he realized that Lockhart was using the wrong wand. He rummaged in Lockhart's pockets and produced Lockhart's own wand.
"Try again, and this time it has better work," Snape said.
Thankfully it did, and they both went back to normal and decided not to talk about that traumatic experience ever again.
maridichallenge. A questo punto rinuncio a ogni pretesa di coerenza e per il prompt "fate il cazzo che vi pare" io scrivo crack. Ma neanche crack buono.Harry/Draco (maybe), PG, Drumming song, 433w
Draco Malfoy woke up with a pounding in his ears. At first he thought he had been dreaming, but when he lifted his head from the pillow the noise only grew louder and louder. Draco dressed quickly, cutting his usual morning routine short. It pained him to leave the dorms without brushing his hair two hundred times and without applying his favourite face cream made from sparkles and Weasley tears, but the drumming had grown so loud that it made everything vibrate.
The Slytherin common room was deserted, as if the noise had chased all the students away. The corridors were empty too. Out of the dungeons the noise grew louder and louder with each step. However, Draco wasn't going to be scared so easily, and besides he needed to find some house elves to darn his socks, because he couldn't be seen in public with ratty socks, what would his mother think if she knew his son was forced to wear socks with holes in them just because Gladrags sold sub-par underwear and Hogsmeade employed unreliable elves.
Finally, Draco pushed the doors of the castle open and found the source of the noise. A huge stage had been set on the lawn in front of the castle. The place was crowded with students and faculty members, and all of them were dancing to what Draco could only suppose was music, even though it sounded like nothing human.
"What's this?" Draco asked, grabbing Harry Potter who was just passing by, moving as though he was having a seizure. He had to yell just to be heard.
"Hogsmeade weekend," Harry shouted back. "The Headmaster has decided to hire a Muggle band. Cool, isn't it?"
"Stupid Muggles," he complained. "What happened to you?"
"Nothing," Harry replied. "I'm dancing! Come and join me."
Draco gave the Boy Who Lived To Dance Very Badly a look that could have frozen an icicle. "Not a chance in hell, Potter.
However, since his life sucked and the universe wanted nothing better than to mock Draco's pain, Harry Potter grabbed him and forced him to dance along to a tune that seemed to be made by people repeatedly hitting two rocks together.
"Unhand me!" Draco complained. "This is ridiculous, this isn't dancing. If it was proper music there would have been violins and people would be dressed properly."
Harry shrugged and went to dance, or rather step around without no regard to rhythm or music, with someone else.
Draco stormed off to the common room and put silencing charms everywhere and then wrote a letter to his father and asked him to ban all music aside from classical music from Hogwarts.
Draco, Harry, Luna, Hermione, Fred, George, PG, Mac and cheese, 345w
One day, Draco Malfoy walked into the Great Hall to have breakfast, took a bite of toast with marmalade and declared that he wanted to eat macaroni and cheese. There was no macaroni and cheese to be had at Hogwarts for breakfast, or ever, because the house elves were very English and only served proper English food like pudding and blood sausages and whatever passes for proper food in England. So Draco jumped on the table and started chanting "Mac and cheese! Mac and cheese!"
Soon, many other students joined him, until the walls were vibrating at the rhythm of "MAC AND CHEESE! MAC AND CHEESE! MAC AND CHEESE!"
Harry was only then getting down to breakfast because last night he had quidditch practice and he had woken up late, so he didn't understand what was going on. "What's happening?" he asked Luna, who was one of the few people still acting normally, or at least more normally than the crazy people who were chanting and jumping on the tables.
"I don't know," Luna said with her usual dreamy expression. "But I think the nargles are behind it."
"More like Fred and George are behind it," Hermione said, shaking her head.
So Harry and Luna and Hermione went to investigate, and sure enough they found the redhead twins in a corner, laughing and taking notes.
"What did you do this time?" Hermione asked the twins.
Fred and George grinned and held up a piece of toast. "Tantrum Toast," George said.
"Just a bite, and your friends will start obsessing over a random item, and won't stop until they get what they want."
"That's terrible!" Hermione exclaimed. "Don't you have an antidote?"
"Yeah, maybe," George said. "We're still testing this."
"It's not terrible," Harry said. "It's entertaining. Plus, look," he said, pointing towards the teacher's table, where Snape and McGonagall had joined Dumbledore and were beating their spoons on the table, chanting for mac and cheese. "I think this means classes will be cancelled!"
However, the house elves made mac and cheese for everyone, so people went back to normal and classes weren't cancelled, much to Hermione's delight.
Harry/Draco (if you squint), PG, Dare, 319w
One day, the Weasley Twins smuggled some firewhiskey into the dormitories and threw a huge party. Word spread through Hogwarts, and soon people from all houses showed up, attracted by the promise of free alcohol and drunken shenanigans.
Draco Malfoy didn't want to go, but everyone else was going and he was curious to know what the Gryffindors were up to in their spare time. Undignified stuff like climbing on the furniture, he guessed. His guess was right, but by the time Harry and Ginny started dancing on a table, he was too drunk to care.
The twins organized a huge game of truth or dare, and somehow Draco found himself playing. When it was his turn, Harry (who had fallen down from the table and had been forbidden by Hermione from trying again) dared Draco to live for a month like a Muggle.
"That's undignified!" exclaimed Draco. "I'm not going to do that."
"Then you lose," stated Harry. Everyone was looking at Draco very seriously, or at least as seriously as one can look while very drunk on firewhiskey, and Draco hated losing, even if it was just a stupid game of truth or dare.
"Fine," he said. "I'll do it. It can't be too hard not to use magic, anyway, Muggles do it all of the time."
Then he dared Potter to take off his pants and run around the room clucking like a chicken, which Potter did.
It was a pretty good night, even though he couldn't use Accio to summon more bottles of butterbeer when he'd emptied them, and he had to walk to the table instead, which was a bother. But doing Summoning Spells while drunk ended with him smashing the item into his own face anyway, so it wasn't a big loss.
When he woke up the next day with the worst hangover ever, Draco decided that dares undertaken while drunk weren't legally binding, and he kept using his magic anyway.
Snape/Lockhart (don't ask), PG, Bodyswap, 408w
They were out of pumpkin juice. This was unacceptable. Snape stared at the empty pitcher and wondered what Hogwarts had come to, if the house elves weren't even able to refill the pumpkin juice.
"Oh, we're out of pumpkin juice!" Lockhart exclaimed, because he was an idiot and he liked to state the obvious. Snape ignored him, which was useless since Lockhart just lover to hear the sound of his own voice. "This is a problem, I can't go and teach without pumpkin juice," Lockhart said, to nobody in particular. "Let me refill that!"
He pointed his wand towards the empty pitcher and mumbled some spell that Snape didn't recognize. There was a pop and a smell like burnt bacon and wet dog, and then suddenly Snape was sitting and staring at himself.
"Good lord!" Snape heard himself exclaim. He saw himself raise his hands and look at them curiously, then look at himself in the pitcher. "I've turned ugly. This is a catastrophe!"
Snape looked at himself too, and realized that he'd turned into Gilderoy Lockhart. He swore under his breath, then he grabbed the other man's arm (his own arm) and dragged him out of the Great Hall before anyone could notice that something was amiss.
"You brainless moron, what did you do?" he hissed.
Lockhart was busy trying to fix his (now black and oily) hair and barely paid him any attention. "When's the last time you washed your hair?" he said. "This is a tragedy, look at all those split ends!"
"Don't make me ask again," Snape said through gritted teeth. "Which spell did you just use?"
"A spell to refill the pumpkin juice," Lockhart replied, absent-mindedly.
"Of course, and the fact that I'm now stuck inside your body is just a minor side-effect," Snape snapped. "Undo the spell, right now!"
"Sure. Er." Lockhart fumbled with his clothes. "Say, where do you keep your wand?"
"Stop groping my body!" Snape exclaimed. He shoved one hand in the pocket of Lockhart's cloak and retrieved his own wand. "Here."
Lockhart waved the wand about and mumbled something, but nothing at all happened.
Snape was already steeling himself at the idea of spending his life trapped in that moron's body, when he realized that Lockhart was using the wrong wand. He rummaged in Lockhart's pockets and produced Lockhart's own wand.
"Try again, and this time it has better work," Snape said.
Thankfully it did, and they both went back to normal and decided not to talk about that traumatic experience ever again.